Thursday, 7 August 2008



Which really leaves me nowhere to go but the third child, which is interesting because there are a couple of other things I've been thinking about. General grumpiness, apologies and lift ettiquette to name a few.

Anyway, the third child; the joker, attention seeker and people person. The one who's trying to be noticed beyond the other two, who's trying to find their place. Generally they're more artistic - I don't know why - but they also have a tendency to have less self-confidence than the others.

All of which perfectly sums up Kirsten. It's also easier for me to see Kirsten's self doubts than the other two's sipmly because I know her better than them. I did after all spend more time with her when I was growing up. In many ways most of my childhood memories include her in some way. I remember her jumping on me on my way home from school one day (I had my nose in a book at the time, so it's not as bad as it sounds). I remember giving her split ends - I don't know why I was doing stuff to her hair, she must have been very patient.

But most of all I remember her. In all her glory. She is funny, she is joyful, she very much enjoys having people around her. She is far more intelligent than she gives herself credit for, and lacks the self-confidence that she clearly should have.

I think the problem is that she's had such a huge influence on my life that it's almost impossible to talk about her, there's just too much to say. Hell we shared a room for the first six to eight years of my life. In fact a few years ago when we ended up sharing a room on holiday again it felt so incredibly natural to lie in our beds talking across the room in the dark that I was almost disappointed we were too tired to do it the next night.

Which reminds me, when we did share a room I had the top bunk and she'd push up on it from below. It was something I enjoyed immensely, even after she accidentally bounced me out of the top bunk.

I think if nothing else that instilled a sense of risk and excitment in me. The ability to look at old and boring things in a new light. It's lead to a lot of my freakish behaviour - which she'd probably be appalled by, but I really must thank her for.

On the other hand though, I know that she was raised to look after and protect me. It was drilled into her from an early age and she has trouble getting past it. If I had one wish it's that she would. Scratch that, if I had one wish it's that she'd realise howe great she is and how valid her viewpoints are. If I had two wishes then the second one would be that she'd get past it and treat me as a friend and equal.

If I had three then the third would be that she did that and yet remained my big sis, because she's damn good at it!

I don't know, I feel like I should gush more about Kirsten. She's too important to me for me not to gush more. More important than Catriona and Euan, which is no disparagement on them just a simple truth. I mean Catriona and Euan are hugely important to my life, it's just that Kirsten is more so. A first among equals, in a good way.

It's just that because she's so important I've got to see a much more rounded view of her. I've seen her worries and so it's hard for me to separate them from her. I can't separate the good from the bad because it's such a complete bundle. It's Kirsten.

She's a people person. She relates. She has an emotional intuition. More importantly she has an ability to improve life for people. To make them laugh when they need it.

No, I can't do it. Because I know she finds it difficult when she can't. I've seen it. Especially with me.

But she's Kirsten, and from my point of view the world is a fundamentally better place for it.

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